Simpkin's Thrift's and Antiques
by Nitro Cerin
Summary: 'Ello Fanfiction! Hope you like random, unexplainable stores and their owners, because that's all this is about! Enjoy!


**Good morning, good afternoon, and a very good evening to all readers. This is a very random story of epic proportions that is going to try to solve the untold mysteries of video games and anime. I hope you enjoy, and I MAY take a few requests if I run out of ideas (not likely).**

Morning. How does one describe that 'wonderful feeling' you get when you are half awake, pulling out of a stupid dream, and are wrenched out of it by an incredibly annoying: "Hey! Hey Simpkin! Wake up! Wake up! Come on, it's wake up time!"

Priceless.

I threw a pillow in the noise's general direction. "Get out of my room Cartara. Or am I gonna have to clip your wings?"

The voice squeaked, then its owner buzzed out of the room, muttering"Just saying it now, if you don't get a shower, I'm using the bathroom…"

That got me up. I threw my bed sheets off and jumped to my feet. "No you're not ya little buzzer!" I yelled. I snatched some clothes out of a drawer in my dresser and bolted for the bathroom. I made it in there and locked the door.

"I win this time fuzzball! You know I always get my shower first thing, no exceptions." I said smugly.

"Awwwwww! But I wanted to make bathtub pudding!" Cartara whined.

"Okay, not gonna lie, that is an awesome idea, but do it after shop closes for the day, deal?" I told him.

"Fine…" he said, buzzing off. I heard the clatter of spoons, so I guessed he had really wanted to make bathtub pudding.

_Shower time, I suppose._ I hopped into the shower (Yes, I sleep in the nude, problem?) and turned the water on icy cold. The freezing water gives me a wake-up call every morning. Plus cold water doesn't cost me any money.

I hummed the theme of 'Doctor Who' as I washed my fur. I shut off the water and toweled off. I glanced in the mirror as I swiped the towel across my back. A single ice-blue eye stared back at me. A faded eyepatch covered the left. I don't want to talk about how I lost that.

Oh, did I forget to mention who I am? Well kids, I am Simpkin Anderson. I'm a Mobian weasel. Not the most impressive species to be born into, sure. I make up for it in some interesting ways.

I've never been much to look at. Brown fur, one precious eye, and a few brands on my arms, marks of my reckless youth. But who cares what I look like? What I do is more important.

I am the greatest salesman of all time. Me and my small friend Cartara run Simpkin's Thrifts and Antiques. We sell any and all merchandise I can lay hands on. Sonic's shoes, Mario's overalls, angelic weapons, ancient treasures, ridiculous toys, doesn't matter to a weasel with a practiced eye. I sell it to the highest bidder, be they RED Spy or BLU Scout.

I peddle my wares in a corner shop in the Multiverse. No, that is not its real name. the actual name is totally unpronounceable. This small town is a sort of "hub" between all parallel universes. It's like the local bus stop in your city, only with people wielding swords and throwing Pokeballs instead of crack heads and racist old white guys.

I'm writing this all down and putting it on the 'human' internet to see if enough leaked info about this place is let out will get a portal link to this place put up in your world.

Anyway, I got dressed in a pair of heavy combat fatigues, a white t-shirt, and then a suede leather vest. I left the bathroom and headed back to my room, making sure to lock the door. Last thing I need is Cartara interrupting me.

I pulled a small box off my dresser. It was made of black walnut, with intricate carvings that no hand or machine could ever have made. I opened it up and pulled eight rings with stones and symbols attached to them. My jewelry section is my favorite thing to sell from. I always attempt to wear a few pieces from my massive collection.

"Simpkin, it's about 6:45. Should I turn on the sign?" Cartara asked as he flew in. He's a Mobian bee, by the way. Brown eyes, crash helmet, basically Charmy Bee. Just imagine Charmy more random and stupid, if that's even possible.

"Wait until 7:00AM. You know our policy. 'Opens at 7:00, closes at 7:00-'

"Or we're under new management!" Cartara said, frustrated. He didn't stay that way, as he made a dive for my box. He landed in the box of necklaces and bracelets and began piling them on top of him. "I'm rich! Power! Friends! Video games! They're all mine! Muhahahaha!"

"Sealing Skull." I said as I touched one of my rings, an ugly skull with horns curling down near a fanged jaw. Cartara froze, surrounded by a violent red aura.

"Cartara, what happens when an employee steals from his boss?" I commented casually, striding around him.

"They…get fired?" He answered weakly.

"And what happens when a tenant decides to take from his landlord?"

"They get kicked out…" Cartara sounded like a little kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

I pulled a bracelet from his arm and twirled it around my index finger. "Well then, I suppose that's what you deserve after this little escapade, am I right?" I asked, giving him a maniacal grin.

"No! I'll never touch your jewelry again, I promise!" He shrieked as he tore gold, silver, and adamant rings from his body. He zipped out of my room, setting blueprints taped to the wall fluttering as he did so.

Kids. Such a nuisance to progress. Anyway, I slid on a serrated bracelet made of a near-black metal, along with some clay prayer beads wrapped around my right hand.

"I hope I get an excuse to use this again." I remarked as I held up a Duel Monsters card tied to a leather strip. It twirled in the air slowly. My trusty Option Hunter trap card glimmered in the light from a nearby window. I slipped the card around my neck, under my shirt.

I cracked my neck and stood. I carried the jewelry box down the stairs with me. I inhaled deeply, the smell of coffee wafting through my large show room. The spacious area was stuffed to the gills with memorabilia, antiques, and weaponry.

"Well, I suppose my conniving worker isn't totally useless." I sighed. Once again, Cartara buzzed over to me. He was now wearing his crash helmet.

"Simpkin, can I turn on the sign now?" he whined. He bobbed and rolled in the air impatiently.

I gazed to the heavens. "_Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani_?" I muttered.

"Did you just quote the Bible?"

"Possibly. Yes, go hit the switch, it's time."

Cartara zipped through the air over to a massive breaker switch. He heaved up, wings straining. Of course, he couldn't budge it.

"Um, little help here?" he said through clenched teeth.

"One moment. This weasel needs his morning brew." I said airily as I sauntered over to carafe of coffee behind a clerk's counter. I poured myself a mug, and then another separate mug for my bee buddy. I took a long gulp of the scalding liquid. The black coffee probably should have hurt my throat, but I guess I'm so dulled in the morning my nerves don't work. Another long story that doesn't need explaining.

Cartara finally shifted the switch up to the 'on' position. The lights all flickered as a massive neon sign lit up outside. By the way, it reads 'Simpkins Thrifts and Antiques: Customers wanted. Inquire Within.'

My employee drifted through the air to his coffee. He scooped a few spoonfuls of sugar into a separate bowl for the early customers, then just poured the entire tin into his mug. He began licking the coffee flavored sugar as he sat on the counter. I lifted him off the glass and set him over at a table in the back.

*Ding, Ding* a small bell jingled on the front door. Some feet scuffled on the floor. Judging by the click of heels, I guessed it was a female. I grinned. First customers get jumped to see if they really wanna be here. Dropping into a crouch, I slipped a hand under the cash register for the key to my showcase counter.

I unlocked the glass and pulled an absurdly heavy gauntlet out, from inside which I removed a stiletto knife.

"Hello? Simpkin? Where are you hiding this time?" said an undoubtedly womanly voice.

"Pocket dimension, next to the Chaos NRG drinks, in a boot under a box of mosquito food." I hollered as I put the weapons back.

"Very funny. That just doesn't work on me anymore. In fact, it never worked." Blaze the Cat retorted as she walked to the counter. She's a regular, ever since she found out I give free coffee to frequent customers.

I stood and poured her a mug, then flexed my hand in order to allow my magic to pull a full sugar bowl and other coffee paraphernalia over to the counter. Blaze accepted the mug and added cream and sugar. I waited in silence as she sipped the hot beverage.

"Euyuch! How can you drink it black? That's disgusting!" She commented as she saw inside my mug.

"Only way to drink coffee. Anything more and you have ruined the nectar of the gods. Unless you mean _actual_ Nectar of the gods, then you really need the sugar. Ichor tastes plain awful alone."

She pulled a wry face. "Do I want to know what you mean by that?"

"No. No, not at all." I said as I leaned over the counter. "So…did you come for coffee and pleasant conversation with a business owner, or are you actually interested in buying something?"

"Yeah, actually. I need a present for my dad, his birthday is in two weeks." Blaze answered. "I was hoping to get him a ring of some kind."

"But he's exceedingly rich, not to mention royalty. Doesn't he have countless signet rings, etcetera?" I asked.

She nodded. "He hardly wears them every day though, only for official stuff. But I think he might wear one if I got it for him."

"Uh-huh. Lemme see…" I trailed off as I pulled my jewelry box open. I sifted through about forty rings until I found one of decent craftsmanship. "Does your father mind a curse that prevents the consumption of Lacrama?" I asked as I admired the dark red gem in its electrum setting. The jewel had a glyph in the Liduen-Kvaedhi, the script of a sub-species of elf.

"I don't think he would care, considering we don't have them in our dimension. What's the stone, anyway?" Blaze replied as I dropped the ring in her palm.

"I believe it is a very old fire shard. Once that ring gave the wearer Firesight, but I sapped the energy trying to find the end of One Piece. I only got up to episode 743 when it quit." I sighed.

"Fire prophecy? What kind of an idiot would use that?" Blaze muttered.

"Ahem. Me, Princess. And I'm not an idiot, just mentally unsound. Or as some would put it 'a few sandwiches short of a picnic.' Lame analogy if you ask me."

"Except I didn't ask you, and…what are you eating?"

I looked up from a jeweler's glass to see my employee licking his coffee sugar. Pushing him behind me, I held up the ring in question in front of Blaze's face. "Hello! Business is with me, not the munchkin."

Blaze raised an eyebrow. "I hardly think your employee is that young. He's at least like, eight."

"I'm fifteen actually!" Cartara quipped from behind me. "It's just hard to tell because I eat so much sugar."

"Yeah, and you need to stop eating so much so you'll function properly. Do I have to make you clean the back room?" I threatened. At this, he shrank back and set down the mug gently.

"Nope, nope. I'm good. I don't need to be maimed permanently." And with a spasmodic twitch in his eye, he flew off, presumably to find a feather duster so he could get to work.

Blaze took a drink from her mug. "So, what are you charging?"

My eye flicked back to her. "Beg pardon?" I asked, concentrating on a book of spells in my hand. I muttered an incantation, raising the ring in the air, where many runes popped into existence and revolved around it.

"Judging from my analysis, there are many magics and curses worked into the metal, which all change the value somewhat, but a flat price…" I set the ring on the counter, making a loud clicking sound. "No less than 4000 Rings or I would take a trade of something with magical properties that is ranged at equal value." As I expected, Blaze's jaw hit the floor, metaphorically. When she finally got her mouth in working order, she snapped at me. "What!? I could rent a house for that kind of money! I won't pay any more than 400." She crossed her arms and harrumphed at me.

"Fine, fine Princess. I'll lower it to 3000 because it's you. Deal?" I said as I extended a hand to shake. She smacked it away casually. The cat put leaned over the counter, getting right in my face.

"You are a lousy swindler, you know that? You might want to think about lowering that price a bit more if you like your fur." She threatened, poking my lean chest. "I ought to give you a burn now for this stunt you little-" her threat off as I flicked her ear, then pushed her away. I grinned.

"What? You got too close to me. It was."

Blaze winced and touched her eartip, which was now red under her fur. "Ow! I guess I deserve that."

"Bingo! Someone get this girl a Jolly Rancher!" I applauded loudly as she rubbed the injured area.

"Hey, Blaze. If you pay 2500 Rings, I'll throw in something for free. Hey, deal of seven lifetimes here! Wake up, Princess!" I waved a hand in front of her face which looked like it was about to burst into tears. She jerked up straight quickly, face reddening.

"What? Come on, free stuff Princess, is good deal, you buy, ah?" I called. I spun the ring on my finger.

"That depends. Um, what's the item? Is it one of those lame hats?" She asked, her snarkiness returning to her voice.

"My hats are not lame! They are perfectly normal things for putting on your head." I remarked as I pulled a Homburg onto my noggin with magic. "Besides, it's not a hat I want to give you. I only show you the nice shiny thing if you say deal."

Blaze put her hands on her hips, considering the deal. "Hmmm…this better be something pretty impressive Simpkin. Deal." She stuck her hand out to seal the deal. I shook it roughly and went to a nearby clothes rack and dug in the pocket of a pair of overalls. I heard Blaze sigh behind me.

"It's not clothing, silly! This is a super rare, dangerous and powerful thing!" I declared. With a flourish, I held out a thin silver chain, with a small red crystal hanging from it.

"That is the most disappointing thing I have ever seen. Like, not even joking. I am very let down Simpkin." Blaze said.

I made a shocked gesture. "Oh, but Blaze! You should know my stuff better than that! Appearances can be deceiving."

"Well then, amaze me, oh great one." She said sarcastically.

"Thank you, uncultured one. This is Crystallized Fire, burning inside with the power of mighty Phazon. The Monks of Grondheim value it for its spiritual properties. A piece this size could cost thousands on the Galactic Federation market, and you get it, free of charge with the ring you have purchased." I explained. A small shimmer of blue energy ran under the surface of the crystal. "On top of that, I spent days carving it with magic into this tongue of flame shape, and I gave it about 1700 basic enchantments, most of them protecting from extreme heat. And I might add it bring out the red in your eyes." I pronounced.

"My eyes are amber, you moron." Blaze grumbled. Ignoring her, I poured the chain and crystal into a velvet bag. The ring went into another separate bag.

Setting them onto the counter, I held out my hand for payment. She sighed again, regretfully removing three platinum Rings from a pocket. "Can you make change for a thousand?"

"Of course, what would you like back? Human money, Rings, Hearts, Talents?" I asked in my typical rapid-fire speech.

"Rings, please." I handed her five 100 Rings, shrunk to the size of a fist for easy use. I stared at her expectantly.

"What Simpkin? Quit looking at me like that." She said as she took the currency.

"Aren't you going to put it on?" I asked expectantly. She shook her head. "Why would I do that?"

"I want to see how the magic affects you. My enchantments never do the same thing to every one person. It's won't hurt you, but I just have to see what it will do. Please put it on?" I said with my best puppydog eye.

"Ugh fine, but quit giving me that look. It's downright creepy." Blaze relented.

I grinned. I was of course kicking myself in the rear (mentally speaking) for not getting the cute look right.

The cat slowly slipped the shining metal ringlets around her neck. The crystal began to pulse in sync with her heartbeat. She rolled the small stone between her thumb and forefinger. Blaze looked at me for an explanation.

I had a notebook and pencil out, writing all my observations down rapidly.

"Simpkin, what is it doing?" She asked me. I glanced up quickly, speaking as I hopped over the counter for a closer look.

"This is new. A Synchro like this is unusually rare. I only threw those casts around it to try them out on myself later. For them to work…incredible. Would you mind conjuring a weak flame?"

The Pyrokinetic complied, flicking her wrist to let a fireball easily the size of a basketball pop into existence near my face, singeing my head fur.

I hopped back quickly to avoid any more burns. "I said a _weak_ flame Princess! Not a fireball for melting steel."

"That was a weak flame. At least that was how much energy I have to expend normally to conjure a small one." Blaze said, obviously confused.

Calculations and magic spells began running through my brain. _Of course! The Phazon in the crystal is transferring energy to my spells and mutating them as it might a living creature. Fascinating._

Blaze poked me in the forehead. "Are you okay? You seem spaced out."

"I'm always spaced out, very useful sometimes. I think the stone's innate energy has found a way to amplify your own magic through some kind of conduit in my magic spells I put on it. Pretty lucky Princess. You've got yourself a weapon of mass destruction on your hands. Use it wisely." I explained.

"Okay…why did you even give it to me if you knew it would do that?" She asked.

"Simple. I didn't." I chuckled. "Now, if that's all the business you have to do here, I would ask you to leave."

"Well, there is one other thing…" Blaze mumbled as I hopped back over my counter. "Would you, um, like to meet outside of here sometime, socially?" She was blushing heavily as she spoke.

"What, like a date?" I asked. She nodded.

I stared at her a moment, then burst out laughing. Once my mirth had receded somewhat, I explained. "Do you have any idea how many reasons I can't do that?"

"No, jerk." She was clearly upset by my refusal.

"Two. One is the obvious age gap. You're what, fourteen? Yeah, at my age that's Pedophilia. Also, my college degree discourages that strongly."

Blaze raised an eyebrow. "How old are you? And where could you have gone to college to get a degree that would do that? What was your Major?" She asked skeptically.

"Let me think…counting time travel and other factors, I'm about 536 years old. I have a Bachelor's degree in Bachelorology, the study of Bachelorhood, from the Extinct school for Bachelors.

This time, Blaze's jaw literally hit the floor. "You're kidding, right? You look 17!" She gaped.

"Actually my body is about thirty two years old. So, any way you look at it, I'm way too old for you, Princess. Though I appreciate the offer, it just can't happen." I said, a false tinge of regret in my voice.

"Hmph. Whatever. I just thought you would be lonely stuck here in this store." She huffed and walked out, heels clicking.

"Seeya Blaze. Remember to stay away from creepy men in black suits!" I called after her. She made a rude gesture in return over her back.

"Tch. Typical of her. Ah well, off to cleaning the mech suits, I suppose. Cartara! Monitor the register for me, will ya?" I yelled. The bee shot past me to sit on the counter, polishing a silver fork. "Aye sir!"

I went down a stairwell next to the fridge in the kitchen behind where my bee assistant was sat.

"Hopefully this time those X parasites are Cryozed." I muttered. It had taken a week and a half to kill them all last time. At the bottom of the stairwell, I heard a creaking of metal as several Vengeance class turrets swiveled away into sockets in the walls. Their programming recognized my DNA as "Clear to Enter".

I pushed open the personnel door to my garage. I pushed up a switch, shedding light on my collection. Mjolnir Armor, Chozo powersuits, Metal Golems that hissed steam as I walked by, The War Machine, An Eon Fist, And an outdated Jaeger prototype outfitted with a blade at the elbow and knee.

"Hah, I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. Off to work!" I commented to the Jaegar. It remained silent. Grabbing a rag, I set to polishing a Powersuit.

You see what I meant by being the greatest salesman of all time?

**That's all folks! At least for now. Please leave a review and maybe I'll consider adding to this!**


End file.
